Today has been a pretty relaxing day. I went to church with the family and my sunday school group hosted a lunch fundraiser for their summer missions trip to Jordan and Israel. Then I went home and took a nice nap. So overall a very relaxing day. I realize that I was up way too late last night and that made me pretty tired at church this morning, but it was nothing too bad. After years of getting too little sleep on a normal basis, I've kind of gotten used to it.
I took notes with my laptop in church today, and that was pretty nice. I like taking notes in church now. I don't think I ever really took notes in any sort of consistent fashion before, but now I take them every single week. It's good practice for getting back into college, and it's a good habit nonetheless. Later, I can go back to those notes and review them and go over the passage and gain even more from it.
Well, I suppose I really don't have that much to talk about right now. I just wanted to write. Now that I have, I think I feel much better.
Shalom!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Early Morning Thoughts
It's funny. It's about 2:30 in the morning and I suddenly got the feeling that I need to write. A few things just started to run though my head.
What manner of man am I?
This question seems to float around in there. Am I a good man? Am I a bad man that just happens to be around good people?
The reason this seems to be in my head might be due to the break-up. First off, this was the first time a girlfriend has broken up with me. There was two other occasions that were kind of like break-ups, but one was not really what you would call a romantic relationship, and the other I wasn't even in a relationship with yet. So yes, this was the first time someone else had broken up with me. But the thing is, I'm more at peace about this break-up than the others. Or, I guess you could say, the other.
That's kind of where the whole question of the manner of a man I am comes floating into my head. True, I didn't ask to break up. But the funny thing is, I know I would have. Eventually, I would have asked her why she barely ever touched me. I have a feeling that would have spiked off a bit of a response from her. I might have said something akin to "It doesn't feel like a real relationship to me, so why are we still pretending it is?" I place a lot of significance on physical affection; it's very important to me. I'm a touchy-feely kind of guy, and quite affectionate. I mean, my sister and I hug a lot and so does my whole family. But I barely received any hugs from her at all.
Anyway, then I got thinking of what I would say to her if she asked me why I left. For one, I know I would say that I gave the relationship a chance, and that if I didn't I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. But the relationship didn't work out and in fact nothing was really working out, so I moved back. Now everything seems to be working out.
I started thinking of what I would say to convince her that this was really the best course of action for both of us, if she doesn't already believe that herself. I would say that I'm not that great of a man, and that she deserves better. Well, in my mind I don't think I'm that great of a man. I have some demons that nobody knows about. They're buried so deep, even I sometimes forget they're there. If anyone ever did find out about them, I would either end up in an asylum or prison. Most likely prison, I suppose. Funny thing is, I might be the one to beg them to put me there. I don't think I'm capable of what those demons tell me to do, but just thinking that it's possible frightens me.
Probably my greatest fear of all is hurting people -- of hurting people so badly that the wounds, be they physical or emotional, will never heal. My nightmares are filled with pained faces, permanently scarred from the toil that I inflict. I fear that I am capable of such acts that would cause faces to stare at me in fear, hatred and loathing until the end of time. Maybe it is this fear that makes me incapable of such acts, whatever they be. I can only hope that is the case.
When I have expressed such fears to certain people whom I know well, they have tried to calm my spirit by telling me, "There's no way you could do anything like that." "I know you, you wouldn't hurt a fly," or some other thing like that. And part of me believes them. But another part still fears that somewhere inside of me is that capacity. And I suppose there is. After all, raw human nature is ugly, vicious, violent and evil. But I have one thing that is more powerful than all of human nature. I have the holy spirit within me. Yes, that is a very comforting thought. And I suppose I have not really thought about it quite like this. But the Holy Spirit is God, and part of God. (I don't even want to get in to speculation on the dynamics of the Trinity!) And God is more powerful than anything period. So if God is inside of my through the Holy Spirit, I really don't have anything to fear. I know that if I simply call on Him when I fear I have the capability to do something very evil, He will defeat whatever it is within me that would cause me to do it. Wow, I think I just had a bit of a revelation.
I suppose it matters not what manner of man I am. It matters what manner of man God can make me into, and what manner of man He's using. He is in control, after all.
Well, thank you God for easing my soul once more. I don't know how you seem to do these things, but I never want to be without you.
Shalom!
What manner of man am I?
This question seems to float around in there. Am I a good man? Am I a bad man that just happens to be around good people?
The reason this seems to be in my head might be due to the break-up. First off, this was the first time a girlfriend has broken up with me. There was two other occasions that were kind of like break-ups, but one was not really what you would call a romantic relationship, and the other I wasn't even in a relationship with yet. So yes, this was the first time someone else had broken up with me. But the thing is, I'm more at peace about this break-up than the others. Or, I guess you could say, the other.
That's kind of where the whole question of the manner of a man I am comes floating into my head. True, I didn't ask to break up. But the funny thing is, I know I would have. Eventually, I would have asked her why she barely ever touched me. I have a feeling that would have spiked off a bit of a response from her. I might have said something akin to "It doesn't feel like a real relationship to me, so why are we still pretending it is?" I place a lot of significance on physical affection; it's very important to me. I'm a touchy-feely kind of guy, and quite affectionate. I mean, my sister and I hug a lot and so does my whole family. But I barely received any hugs from her at all.
Anyway, then I got thinking of what I would say to her if she asked me why I left. For one, I know I would say that I gave the relationship a chance, and that if I didn't I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. But the relationship didn't work out and in fact nothing was really working out, so I moved back. Now everything seems to be working out.
I started thinking of what I would say to convince her that this was really the best course of action for both of us, if she doesn't already believe that herself. I would say that I'm not that great of a man, and that she deserves better. Well, in my mind I don't think I'm that great of a man. I have some demons that nobody knows about. They're buried so deep, even I sometimes forget they're there. If anyone ever did find out about them, I would either end up in an asylum or prison. Most likely prison, I suppose. Funny thing is, I might be the one to beg them to put me there. I don't think I'm capable of what those demons tell me to do, but just thinking that it's possible frightens me.
Probably my greatest fear of all is hurting people -- of hurting people so badly that the wounds, be they physical or emotional, will never heal. My nightmares are filled with pained faces, permanently scarred from the toil that I inflict. I fear that I am capable of such acts that would cause faces to stare at me in fear, hatred and loathing until the end of time. Maybe it is this fear that makes me incapable of such acts, whatever they be. I can only hope that is the case.
When I have expressed such fears to certain people whom I know well, they have tried to calm my spirit by telling me, "There's no way you could do anything like that." "I know you, you wouldn't hurt a fly," or some other thing like that. And part of me believes them. But another part still fears that somewhere inside of me is that capacity. And I suppose there is. After all, raw human nature is ugly, vicious, violent and evil. But I have one thing that is more powerful than all of human nature. I have the holy spirit within me. Yes, that is a very comforting thought. And I suppose I have not really thought about it quite like this. But the Holy Spirit is God, and part of God. (I don't even want to get in to speculation on the dynamics of the Trinity!) And God is more powerful than anything period. So if God is inside of my through the Holy Spirit, I really don't have anything to fear. I know that if I simply call on Him when I fear I have the capability to do something very evil, He will defeat whatever it is within me that would cause me to do it. Wow, I think I just had a bit of a revelation.
I suppose it matters not what manner of man I am. It matters what manner of man God can make me into, and what manner of man He's using. He is in control, after all.
Well, thank you God for easing my soul once more. I don't know how you seem to do these things, but I never want to be without you.
Shalom!
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