Ever have one of those moments where you're totally freaking out and realize that you can't do much about what you're freaking out about? Yeah, I'm there.
So I'm needing a job for this summer, and don't have any leads as of yet. Today I intended to go out and look for a job all day. After all, finding a full-time job is a full-time job. But as I was pulling out of the driveway, I noticed something kind of important. My gas gauge was pretty much on empty. As I was out and about, I had to head back home after just one area of looking because I was out of gas. And I don't have any money for gas. Because I don't have a job. Oy! Talk about vicious circles!
So now I'm having to face the truth that I am totally and utterly dependent on God for a job. I can't job hunt because I don't have a vehicle in which to do so. I could use a bike, but I'm dependent on God supplying that bike. I don't really like being helpless at all. But I'm at the end of my rope. There is very little I am in control of. In fact, there is almost nothing I'm in control of, and that is very frustrating. I guess that's where faith comes in. When someone finally realizes they're not in control- God is - that's when they finally have to trust that He'll do what needs to be done.
"God will supply all my needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." That's a Bible verse, for goodness sake! You'd think I'd get it in my thick skull and just believe it instead of relying on it as a last resort! But no. I still have a stubborn heart that thinks it can do this stuff by myself. But, thing is, I can't. I can't do all this stuff - this life - all by myself. And I have been a fool time and time again by trying to. I only pray that God doesn't need to gently bop me on the head too many more times so I actually take this to heart.
Trusting in someone else is kind of scary. Even when that someone is someone you love, it can be scary to not be in control. When I don't have control, sometimes I start thinking of how things could go wrong. Sometimes I'm arrogant enough to think that whatever the other person does, I know how to do it better. I know that is a problem of mine. But when it's God who's in control, I shouldn't have any doubts whatsoever. But I still do.
I guess this situation is one way he's working on me; chiseling me into the man he wants me to be. I know He's the only one who is really trustworthy, and he does know what's best for me. He can set stuff up so perfectly that I couldn't understand how in the world it possibly worked out. In my head, I know that I can trust God. I know enough of Bible stories to know that. But often times I find it hard to really believe that.
In a way, I'm glad that this is happening. I'm glad that God loves me enough to show me he loves me and not just tell me. I know that God's love will shine through this circumstance, no matter the outcome. Even if I don't see the true outcome of this situation for five, ten, or fifteen years, I know that He has something big planned.
Just gotta remind myself of that while it's happening.
Shalom, folks.
