Sitting before church

It's kinda nice that nobody actually reads this. I can freely put my thoughts down.

So this morning when I picked Kaylee up at church, Bethany right away asked for her. I know this is a small thing, but it really bothers me. It's like she's shutting me out if her life so completely that she doesn't even want me around her daughter. It's just so... well I don't really know how to describe it. I moved all the way out here mostly because I wanted to be with her. And now she shuns me. This all started when I was getting down because I had no job for 3 months, I couldn't take her out on dates because I couldn't afford it. And to add to that, she won't let me touch her. I don't mean sexually, I mean at all. I can't hold her in my arms, I can't run my hands through her beautiful hair, she never wants me to hug her, and I can't even hold her hand. I don't understand why, but ever since I came here, she's been like that. It's like she's deliberately puuting up barriers between us so we can't grow closer. Anyway, she saw my depression and how I was getting sick a lot, and thought I was clinically depressed and wouldn't admit it. So she decided that being in a relationship with me was too stressful and she asked to "take a break" from our relationship. So now the only person I'm real close to who lives anywhere close to me has cast me aside. I would have thought that instead of breaking up, she would want to help me through anything I might be going through. That's precisely what I have tried to do. When she had her baby out of wedlock, I tried to be there for her as much as I could. When she had to find somewhere to live on her own, I helped her move all of her things into her new place. When her grandmother died, I tried to comfort her as best I could. But now, perhaps when I need her help the most, she runs away. I just don't understand. Unless she really doesn't want me. Unless she really doesn't love me. Just now, thinking of how I would say goodbye is killing me. What would I tell Kaylee? "I'm glad I got to know you. Take care of your mother for me. Goodbye Kaylee." Just thinking of that makes my heart stop. I really have to stop this post now. I have to go into church in a minute, and I don't want anyone to see me like this.


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