She raised some good points today. Maybe I am, I don't know. But the prospect of going back on meds doesn't thrill me at all. But she's right, maybe I need to talk to someone about it. I don't think I feel it that much, but it might explain a few things. It might explain my staying up quite late, my eating habits, and my fatigue. I just don't want to accept it. I am a person who doesn't believe that medicine is the answer for everything. If possible, I try to avoid it. For thousands of years, we have done just fine without these kinds of medications. But maybe it's true that the chemistry of this day and age has changed so much that these medications are necessary for some people. And why would I fight that? Because I don't want to be dependant on any medicine for the rest of my life! It implies that I'm not strong enough to deal with life on my own, and that I need a crutch to get through. I hate that thought. It crushes my already severely diminished self-confidence. Maybe that's a sign right there that I do need help. I know I don't believe in myself. Maybe that's at the heart of the matter. My greatest fear is that I'll screw up so badly that my family and ones I love won't want me at all. Why am I so worried that I'll screw up that badly? I don't know. I just have the nagging feeling that I will. Maybe that's a sign of depression, or anxiety disorder or something like that. I really don't know. It seems like I say those three words a lot: I don't know. Maybe she's right. Maybe I really do need to talk to someone about it. ...why should that idea scare me as much as it does? Shouldn't that thought be a comfort, that now that I seek help I'll actually start to be normal again? If so, why does that not really comfort me? Well, whatever the case, I really should talk to someone about this. Someone I can trust.
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Wow! this struggle you had sounds like me. I too struggled with self-worth and fear of letting people down. I think it stems out of wrong thinking that you believed since childhood that you had to earn God's love just like u earn other's love and respect. Also I think you struggling with the doubts and saying i don't know is very obvious that you were struggling both mentally and spiritually. I struggled with panic attacks for 6 months and i was on depression pills!!! So trust me on this; you are not alone..God has someone for u. And He is all knowing and loves u no matter what. Going to church doesn't change who you are...it doesn't help the depression unless u conquer the fear that is causing it. Grab it by the roots and don't let go!
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