Catching up

So this is the first time I've written in this blog in a few years, and a lot of transitions have happened; a lot of life has happened. First, I married the love of my life and became a father of an amazing little girl on the same day. Bethany is such an amazing woman, I can't form the words to accurately describe how amazing she is. And Kaylee is so smart and funny and insightful, I'm so proud of her. She's 8 now and just an amazing big girl. 

And as you can see from the pictures, we had twins! They're now 12 weeks old, almost three months now. They were born early, but surpassed all the doctors' expectations and came home a lot earlier than expected. So now we're a family of 5 and it is such a blessing! Through all the nights where we don't get much or any sleep, through the babies' first colds, through the hard days and hard nights of bad dreams and sleepless nights, this family is such a blessing. I wouldn't trade my life for anything right now. 

Through the past 3 years there have been a lot of ups and downs but we are strong as a family and as individuals. 

I think I might start blogging a little more  now, to kind of chronicle my thoughts and memories. So if anyone out there actually reads this blog, keep a weather eye out on the horizon for more posts. :-)

Another Transition? Trust in the Lord.

Life is full of transitions. That's the reason I named this blog like I did. Life has many twists and turns and ups and downs. Sometimes those transitions are small and hardly noticeable. But sometimes they're life changing.

Once again I find myself at one of those transitions where my life will forever be changed- changed for the better.

In a few short months, I will be moving once again to the great state of Washington to marry my wonderful Bethany and start the rest of our lives together. There are a lot of details to work out between now and then and there are times I feel almost overwhelmed by everything. But then I have to stop myself and remember to trust in God.

I'm still learning how to trust in Him. I know that it will take a lot of planning and preparation on my part, but I also know that a critical thing to do is to trust in God that he will direct my paths. God's plan always trumps mine, and I know that whatever he has planned, it is infinitely better and it will happen in his way.

I'm reminded of Proverbs 3:5-6, where it says

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths.

Right now, with all the worrying about preparations, I have to remember to keep my focus on him and acknowledge him in all I do. That's one of the life lessons that I'm continually learning. God is so much bigger than me, and he can work out things that I can't even imagine him working out. He's already done so much, and I know he will do further.

Those of you reading this- can you be praying for me that I keep my focus on God and trust in him?

Hope you have a wonderful day!

I Love You

I Love You.


They're three little words. People say them to their friends, their brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, daughters and sons; even their pets.

But when I say them to you, they mean so much more.

When I say I love you, I almost whisper it; the emotion behind the words seems almost too intense to speak it loudly.

When I say I love you, I'm telling you I will give anything to be with you. And I'm telling you I'll stay with you until the end of time.

When I say I love you, I'm giving you a soft kiss and a long embrace. An embrace that will last eternity.



I love you.

Soapbox time...

I just saw a post on Google+ that got me all riled up. It was an image of Obama and Romney with the caption "If you vote for either man, you vote for more WAR." It's essentially urging people not to vote. I can't let this go unanswered. So I'll be going up on my soapbox for a while here.




True, the system is not perfect by any means. But as for this election year, it is the way it is. Not voting is tantamount to saying "I have no say in this government, so therefore I will not complain about the consequences, nor celebrate them." I will never understand where, in a country where we actually have the freedom to influence our government (regardless of whether it is not as much as some might like), people don't take advantage of their rights as citizens. There are some people who talk a lot of bloated ideals about how the country is all wrong. Then, when the time comes to actually change things by voting, they don't even do it. 

But I believe that voting alone is not enough nowadays. The media is so biased in their coverage of so-called "news" that often, the candidates are picked for us. Images are smeared by those in a position to influence what we see, and too often we let them be. I think what we should do is *get involved!!* We need to write letters to our congressmen, our representatives and tell them what we want done in our government! Because it is not THE government, it is OUR government. I think we have failed to remember that fact.


When we don't get involved with our government, we are really giving the government free reign over our lives. Take congress for example. Congressional spending is at its highest point since WWII, when, at its peak, the government spent 53% of the country's Gross National Product. That means that over half of the wealth of this country was going into the war effort. Now the government is spending approximately 45% of our GDP, meaning 45% of the country's wealth is being spent. On what, you may ask? There is no World War on right now, no threat so grave to the United States that every one of us is getting involved in the effort. So why does our government need to spend so much of our money? That's something we need to keep them accountable about. 


And nowadays, maybe writing our government officials is not enough. One of the greatest influencers of public opinion is the press. We should be getting involved in that as well. We could be writing our local and national news services about keeping their objectivity in covering the news, especially when it comes to picking the stories. Too often stories of great magnitude are ignored by the mass media because it doesn't fit in with their political agenda. Well, news services are not to have a political agenda, and I really believe we can fix that. If we can boycott a major news network to share news that we feel is very important, and then write to them WHY we're boycotting them, I believe we'll see a change.


So all this to say, I don't think the solution to changing the way things are done in our government is to not be involved. Quite the opposite! We should be involved in OUR government. After all, it is a government "by the people, for the people".

The Time That Is Given Us

Life truly can be fleeting sometimes. Once a moment's there, it's already gone. In our culture today, much emphasis is put on what we do in every single moment we do. We must fill up our time with something, no matter what it is. Maybe this is due to the prevalence and availability of entertainment on mobile devices; maybe it's due to the "youtube generation" mentality that has seemed to lessen our attention span. Whatever the reason, emphasis is made to make use of every moment, even if it is to waste it on playing a game of Angry Birds.

I'm reminded of a line from Tolkien's masterpiece, The Fellowship of The Ring: "All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given us."

I think this phrase has been lost on many a people these days.

In my mind, there are two extremes of utilizing every moment: by working or by wasting it.

Workers can tend to argue that we should use every moment we have to further the universe, ourselves, others, etc. They say we should work endlessly towards a common goal of world peace, saving the environment, or simply making the world a better place. Some even go so far as to say if you waste any moment just not doing anything, you're actually making the world worse by your inaction. These people may have admirable causes; their work may in fact lead to great things. But, do they really stop and just enjoy this world we're living in? I mean, without trying to fix it?

Or more simply, workers can just be busy doing seventeen different activities during the week- between one or two jobs, school, community work & church activities. I've seen many a family an individual seem to be buried in their datebooks and calendars. For workers, the phrase "stop and smell the roses", I think, is an apt one.

And then some of us go the other way entirely. They would be the wasters. They have to be entertained or doing something at every moment of every day. I'm the first to admit that, unfortunately, I'm often one of them. Like many in this country, I have a phone that connects to the internet. As such, I have a myriad of entertainment resources in my hand at any given time. I could watch a youtube video while IM-ing a friend while texting a family member while looking up the meaning of "prestidigitation". (For the record, I just looked it up. To paraphrase, it means to be quick with your hands and tricky.) But that's precisely what I mean. We waste our time.

I especially see a lot of this in waiting rooms. Once people are seated in a room with nothing to do but (God forbid!) talk to one another, they break out their phones. I know, I'm also guilty of this. It just amazes me how we're so disconnected with the world around us. And I don't mean in a broad, global sense. I mean in a 'I-never-saw-that-monkey-across-the-room-because-I-was-updating-my-status-on-Facebook' sense.

So going back to my nerdy quote, "All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given us."

Sometimes we can forget what's really important and forget to live. Either we can focus on utilizing every single moment, or we can consciously decide to look around us.

I feel many of us need to raise our head out of our little world, and go into the world around us. Say hello to a perfect stranger. Try to strike up a real meaningful conversation with the person standing in the grocery store line with you. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable once in a while.

Or just take a few moments and simply look at the world around you. I mean really look. Smell the air, look at the beauty of the clouds in the sky, listen to the sounds that permeate the world around you. When I was starting college at a little community college in Washington, there was this walking path that ran around a lake and up a hill that overlooked the town. I consider the hours I spent there the most fulfilling of my time there. It helped revitalize me at a time when I really needed it.

Lastly, try to look at the people around you. Try to pay attention to their words and actions even more closely. If you see something you like about someone, let them know about it. If you see someone do something admirable, why not thank them? Or if you notice that shirt that your coworker is wearing really looks nice, go ahead and tell them. Believe me, a simple compliment can make someone's day.

I hope you will decide to use some of your given time to really live, as I will hope to do.


I sincerely hope your day is a blessed one.

Musings of an insomniac

Did you ever have one of those dreams that when you woke up, you wish you could just go back to sleep and keep dreaming? You know one of those dreams where it seems so interesting you don't really want to stop dreaming. I had one of those dreams the other night. It was one of those times where you wish you could get on your computer and play the game or watch the movie but it only exists in your head. Of course, when I woke up I couldn't remember most of it. I thought it was so very interesting.

As I recall, there was a lot a running and some gun play involved. When I woke up, all I wanted to do was get back in the dream and find out how it ended. I find it fascinating that our minds can make up these wild stories and scenarios while we sleep. It seems as if our unconscious mind's capacity to create is uninhibited and set free while our conscious minds are inactive.

The human brain is truly a remarkable creation.

You Might Be From the Northwest...

You might be from the Northwest...

...If you think people who order decaf coffee are wusses.

...If you actually look forward to rain because it reminds you of back home.

...If you remember "Almost Live" and secretly wish they'd bring it back.

...If you find it strange that the closest coffee shop is more than a block away.

...If you never wash your car because you know it won't matter once it rains again.

...If you still wear a coat everywhere you go because it might rain.

...If you think of Mt. Rainier as "your mountain".

...If, before you move to a new place, you memorize where the Starbucks's are.

...If you own a lot of outdoorsy stuff but have never used it.

...If you wear socks with sandals and don't understand why it's such a big deal.

... If you've been to Canada more than four times this year.

...If you know how to pronounce "geoduck" correctly. And you actually know what it is.

...If you know how to pronounce "Puyallup" correctly.

...If you know how to pronounce "Mukilteo" correctly.

...If you know how to pronounce "Spokane" correctly.

...If you know how to pronounce "Sequim" correctly.

...If you know how to pronounce "Steilacoom" correctly.

...If you either get really annoyed or laugh out loud when people mispronounce all of those words.

...If you knew the seasons as: Wet, Wet and Cold, Wet and Warmer, and 2 Days of Sunshine.

...If you don't see anything as traffic unless you're stuck in it for more than an hour.

...If you laugh at people who say that they have bad traffic when it always stays above 20 miles an hour.

...If, when you move to another state, it takes your eyes over a year to get used to that bright yellow orb in the sky.


And last but not least,

You might be from the Northwest if you laughed at every one of these!

Enjoy your day!

Thanksgiving

So today, as we gather around the dinner table for all the tasty yummy stuff, let's take a moment to reflect on what we have.

If you're reading this, you have access to the internet. It's a wonderful tool that many don't have access to.

If you're going to be sitting down to a dinner table to eat your Thanksgiving feast, you have food to eat. Many in the world are struggling to find food, and many can't. Also, you have a place to live and furniture in it. You are a blessed person!

If you're going to sit down with others at your table, you have people who care about you.

If you watched the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade this morning, congratulations. You have a television and TV service in order to do so.

But most of all, if when you sit down at the dinner table to eat you pray to the God of Heaven whom you love, you have the most wonderful blessing of all. You have Him.

The deal with Star Trek: Enterprise

You know, when you sit around waiting for somebody to come to your house, it gets rather boring. You find stuff to do. Like laundry. :-/ Although I have to admit, listening to some great jazz while being slightly bored isn't too bad.

Okay, so I don't really know what to write right now. I'm just rambling on. So I guess I'll just tell ya what's going on today.

Well, we had a big storm around here about a month ago. Big hailstones, high winds, tornado warnings and the like. Eh, it's Oklahoma. But after that storm, Mom and Dad figured we should get the roof on the house looked at. We got a roof inspector to come to the house and he said we had some damage and should really get it replaced. Normally that would be really expensive, but their insurance covers storm damage. And I guess insurance companies would much rather replace a roof than have to handle the claim if it wasn't replaced. So the insurance adjuster is coming in a couple hours to inspect the roof himself to see if they'll replace it or not. And right now, I'm waiting for the roof inspector to come back and mark the damaged spots once again. I think he was supposed to come around 11. It's 11:46. So I'm still waiting.

I have to admit, I kind of hate being stuck at home sometimes. But lately, I've been watching Star Trek Enterprise. I've already gotten through seasons 1&3. I think it might have really improved if was given another couple years. But the whole premise of a prequel series was just a really bad idea, in my opinion. Also, with so many sci-fi shows around with a setting of present-day, I think the whole Star Trek franchise is on its way out.

I think that nowadays, people want more realism and believability. Star Trek is entirely fiction. The UFP (United Federation of Planets) and Starfleet are entire fiction. Even the setting is fiction. Take Stargete SG-1, for example. It was the longest-running science fiction show besides Doctor Who, and ran the same time Enterprise did. (Enterprise ran from 2001-2005 I believe, while SG-1 ran 1997-2008) It was set on Earth, during the years of its production. The organization that the main characters were in was the U.S. Air Force. So the setting was familiar. Sure, they went to other planets and fought aliens, but at the end of the show, they would always return to present-day Earth. It grounded the show. The Star Trek franchise has no such grounding. Sure, just about everyone in the world with TV has heard of Starfleet and the Federation. But nowadays, without an active crew on TV or on the big screen, the public interest for Star Trek may be dwindling*. And without the interest in Star Trek, unfamiliar viewers (non-nerds) may not find anything to relate to. Those who don't know the background of the Federation (a fictional creation and institution) may simply be confused by what goes on. With so many sci-fi shows being based in current times, they may gain an audience that alienated (pun totally intended!) by Star Trek.

Also, I think the idea of a prequel was a big risk for the franchise. Ultimately, it was a bust. There may be a few reasons for this. Quite a lot of fans know the canon quite well, and when you have a prequel series, you run the risk of messing with continuity. The writers are quite limited in what they can do. Granted, this could have been an opportunity for the writers of Star Trek to show how good they were in creating new stories while keeping with canon. But that didn't happen. The writers pretty much screwed the canon and threw continuity out the window. And fans noticed. And they left.

Another reason it might have failed was because it was moving backwards. Star Trek fans had been moving forward since the beginning in the '60's. With the movies after the original series, the plot of every one took place after the last. It was a continuing story that had a flow. Then with TNG on TV and the movies, the story continued moving forward. DS9 did the same thing. Voyager, while set on the other side of the galaxy, was still moving forward within a timeline. Then came Enterprise. It was so random, so out of place that I think many fans just weren't ready for it. Also, after 16 years of TV episodes and something like 8 movies by then, they'd ran out of original stories long ago. And what with the limits that technology and continuity brought them with the prequel, it was almost destined to fail in the writing department.

The casting for Enterprise always seemed to me like it was not thought out very well. The chemistry wasn't all that great from the get-go, and I thought that the choice of Scott Bakula for the captain was all wrong. Granted, as the series went on, the chemistry improved and so did the acting. As with all the Star Trek series up to that point, it was starting to come into its own. But it was too late. It had lost too many fans and wasn't attracting enough new ones. So it crashed and burned. To many in the Star Trek community, it remains the black mark in an otherwise stellar franchise. (Yep, that pun was intended too.)






*I'd like to clarify this statement. Star Trek has prbably the most dedicated fans of any TV show and movie franchise in history. To be sure, these people will always be trekkers and will support the franchise and watch the shows and movies. What I refer to here are new viewers, people who have either never watched Star Trek or who have never been interested in it. "Non-fan, new viewers", so to speak.

Yikes.

Ever have one of those moments where you're totally freaking out and realize that you can't do much about what you're freaking out about? Yeah, I'm there.

So I'm needing a job for this summer, and don't have any leads as of yet. Today I intended to go out and look for a job all day. After all, finding a full-time job is a full-time job. But as I was pulling out of the driveway, I noticed something kind of important. My gas gauge was pretty much on empty. As I was out and about, I had to head back home after just one area of looking because I was out of gas. And I don't have any money for gas. Because I don't have a job. Oy! Talk about vicious circles!

So now I'm having to face the truth that I am totally and utterly dependent on God for a job. I can't job hunt because I don't have a vehicle in which to do so. I could use a bike, but I'm dependent on God supplying that bike. I don't really like being helpless at all. But I'm at the end of my rope. There is very little I am in control of. In fact, there is almost nothing I'm in control of, and that is very frustrating. I guess that's where faith comes in. When someone finally realizes they're not in control- God is - that's when they finally have to trust that He'll do what needs to be done.

"God will supply all my needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." That's a Bible verse, for goodness sake! You'd think I'd get it in my thick skull and just believe it instead of relying on it as a last resort! But no. I still have a stubborn heart that thinks it can do this stuff by myself. But, thing is, I can't. I can't do all this stuff - this life - all by myself. And I have been a fool time and time again by trying to. I only pray that God doesn't need to gently bop me on the head too many more times so I actually take this to heart.

Trusting in someone else is kind of scary. Even when that someone is someone you love, it can be scary to not be in control. When I don't have control, sometimes I start thinking of how things could go wrong. Sometimes I'm arrogant enough to think that whatever the other person does, I know how to do it better. I know that is a problem of mine. But when it's God who's in control, I shouldn't have any doubts whatsoever. But I still do.

I guess this situation is one way he's working on me; chiseling me into the man he wants me to be. I know He's the only one who is really trustworthy, and he does know what's best for me. He can set stuff up so perfectly that I couldn't understand how in the world it possibly worked out. In my head, I know that I can trust God. I know enough of Bible stories to know that. But often times I find it hard to really believe that.

In a way, I'm glad that this is happening. I'm glad that God loves me enough to show me he loves me and not just tell me. I know that God's love will shine through this circumstance, no matter the outcome. Even if I don't see the true outcome of this situation for five, ten, or fifteen years, I know that He has something big planned.

Just gotta remind myself of that while it's happening.

Shalom, folks.

Paid off

So I got my tax return today and the first thing I did was pay off my credit card. I must say, it feels pretty darn good to have that thing done and over with. And now I've got something that I've wanted for quite a while. Can't say what that is right now- I'll probably let y'all know at some later post. Well, that's really all i have right now. I'll probably probably post later this weekend.

Contentedly Single

So I've been single and content to be so for almost a year. It's a strange feeling that I don't think I've really understood until now. In junior high, I was in a relationship for 2 years. In high school, I was in a relationship for 3 years. After that, I was pining after a girl for another 2 years. Then, we were in a relationship long-distance for a year before I moved halfway across the country to be with her almost two years ago now. And about a year ago, we broke it off.

So it's been about a year that I've been single. It might be the longest stretch of time that I haven't been in a relationship or desired to be in a relationship. And it's really changed my perspective on relationships; made me rethink about why I would want to be in one.

Being contentedly single seems almost a contradiction. I very much desire to hold and be held; I desire to have someone by my side through thick and thin. Let's face it, I'm a bit lonely. But in this year, I've discovered that it's okay to be lonely. And this is why--

Our relationships we have here on earth, those of a platonic, familial, and romantic nature, are but an echo or reflection of our relationship with God. As good as these relationships we have with others can be, it's just a fraction of how good our relationship with God can be. And I'm convinced that it is because of God's perfect love.

God has a perfect love. He is love. He invented the thing. We, as humans, can only have an imperfect love because we are imperfect. We fail those we love; we don't fully understand love; we make decisions that are not out of love. That's where God is different -- he never fails. There is a passage in the Bible about love-

I Corinthians 13 4-8(a):
"Love is patient, love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Jesus is the true template for this passage. Replace every instance of "love" with "Jesus" and you have a very true passage. I won't go into it all right now, but Jesus truly embodies this passage in every way.

So even though earthly relationships can be rewarding, comforting, empowering and amazing, they're just a sliver of the relationship we can have with the Messiah. So after all this time of being single I'm still realizing this: I'd rather have a relationship as close as possible with God and no earthly romantic relationship than the other way around. I'll take God over a relationship any day.

But it is quite possible to have an amazingly close relationship with Messiah and an amazing relationship with a woman as well. That's really what this time of no dating means to me.

I don't want to be in a relationship unless that relationship builds up both of our relationships with Messiah. After all, it is only through building up our relationship with Messiah, and gaining a deeper understanding of his love, that we can truly love in the most pure way.

Yet more thoughts

Today has been a pretty relaxing day. I went to church with the family and my sunday school group hosted a lunch fundraiser for their summer missions trip to Jordan and Israel. Then I went home and took a nice nap. So overall a very relaxing day. I realize that I was up way too late last night and that made me pretty tired at church this morning, but it was nothing too bad. After years of getting too little sleep on a normal basis, I've kind of gotten used to it.

I took notes with my laptop in church today, and that was pretty nice. I like taking notes in church now. I don't think I ever really took notes in any sort of consistent fashion before, but now I take them every single week. It's good practice for getting back into college, and it's a good habit nonetheless. Later, I can go back to those notes and review them and go over the passage and gain even more from it.

Well, I suppose I really don't have that much to talk about right now. I just wanted to write. Now that I have, I think I feel much better.

Shalom!

Early Morning Thoughts

It's funny. It's about 2:30 in the morning and I suddenly got the feeling that I need to write. A few things just started to run though my head.


What manner of man am I?
     This question seems to float around in there. Am I a good man? Am I a bad man that just happens to be around good people?
     The reason this seems to be in my head might be due to the break-up. First off, this was the first time a girlfriend has broken up with me. There was two other occasions that were kind of like break-ups, but one was not really what you would call a romantic relationship, and the other I wasn't even in a relationship with yet. So yes, this was the first time someone else had broken up with me. But the thing is, I'm more at peace about this break-up than the others. Or, I guess you could say, the other.
     That's kind of where the whole question of the manner of a man I am comes floating into my head. True, I didn't ask to break up. But the funny thing is, I know I would have. Eventually, I would have asked her why she barely ever touched me. I have a feeling that would have spiked off a bit of a response from her. I might have said something akin to "It doesn't feel like a real relationship to me, so why are we still pretending it is?" I place a lot of significance on physical affection; it's very important to me. I'm a touchy-feely kind of guy, and quite affectionate. I mean, my sister and I hug a lot and so does my whole family. But I barely received any hugs from her at all.
     Anyway, then I got thinking of what I would say to her if she asked me why I left. For one, I know I would say that I gave the relationship a chance, and that if I didn't I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. But the relationship didn't work out and in fact nothing was really working out, so I moved back. Now everything seems to be working out.
     I started thinking of what I would say to convince her that this was really the best course of action for both of us, if she doesn't already believe that herself. I would say that I'm not that great of a man, and that she deserves better. Well, in my mind I don't think I'm that great of a man. I have some demons that nobody knows about. They're buried so deep, even I sometimes forget they're there. If anyone ever did find out about them, I would either end up in an asylum or prison. Most likely prison, I suppose. Funny thing is, I might be the one to beg them to put me there. I don't think I'm capable of what those demons tell me to do, but just thinking that it's possible frightens me.
     Probably my greatest fear of all is hurting people -- of hurting people so badly that the wounds, be they physical or emotional, will never heal. My nightmares are filled with pained faces, permanently scarred from the toil that I inflict. I fear that I am capable of such acts that would cause faces to stare at me in fear, hatred and loathing until the end of time. Maybe it is this fear that makes me incapable of such acts, whatever they be. I can only hope that is the case.
     When I have expressed such fears to certain people whom I know well, they have tried to calm my spirit by telling me, "There's no way you could do anything like that." "I know you, you wouldn't hurt a fly," or some other thing like that. And part of me believes them. But another part still fears that somewhere inside of me is that capacity. And I suppose there is. After all, raw human nature is ugly, vicious, violent and evil. But I have one thing that is more powerful than all of human nature. I have the holy spirit within me. Yes, that is a very comforting thought. And I suppose I have not really thought about it quite like this. But the Holy Spirit is God, and part of God. (I don't even want to get in to speculation on the dynamics of the Trinity!) And God is more powerful than anything period. So if God is inside of my through the Holy Spirit, I really don't have anything to fear. I know that if I simply call on Him when I fear I have the capability to do something very evil, He will defeat whatever it is within me that would cause me to do it. Wow, I think I just had a bit of a revelation.
     I suppose it matters not what manner of man I am. It matters what manner of man God can make me into, and what manner of man He's using. He is in control, after all.
     Well, thank you God for easing my soul once more. I don't know how you seem to do these things, but I never want to be without you.

     Shalom!

Fallen asleep

In case some some of you haven't heard already, my Grandfather passed away today. I was able to be there by his side as they took him off life support this afternoon. It was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. Mostly because as I looked at his face, with his eyes open but not seeing, I kept on thinking, 'Imagine what he's seeing right now! He's seeing his Creator, his Savior, his Friend, his God!' And through all of that, I actually found myself envying him in a certain way. His race has run, and he is now with his eternal Father, basking in the pure and all-encompassing love of God. He's being embraced by the One who adopted him into His holy family.


As I sit here, weary and spent, reflecting on this day, I can't help but think of something I read in the Bible. I'll share it with you.

1 Corinthians 15:20-23
"But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For as by a man came death, by a man has come also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive. But each in his own order: Christ the firstfruits, then at his coming those who belong to Christ."

Today, I said on facebook that my grandfather had fallen asleep this afternoon and was now with God. I did not mean that he had drifted off to sleep at a certain time, I mean that he had passed away.

After Christ's resurrection from the dead, believers in Him had started to refer to dying in Christ as "falling asleep". Jesus had defeated death once and for all when he rose. Now, death has no power over those that die with God's salvation. He paved the way for all who know Him.

What a beautiful image of God's love! He made it possible for us to be with Him for eternity. We who belong to Christ never really die. Like that Bible verse that everyone learned in Sunday school says: "For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

Today, I saw that transformation. I witnessed my grandfather as he fell asleep. I expected to cry my eyes out; I expected to mourn and wail as the machine showed his heart rate diminishing.

But as it was happening, his eyes opened. To an outside observer, it might have seemed to be a blank stare at the ceiling; unfocused. For he was on medication that was keeping him sedated and, presumably, unaware of what was going on. But as I looked into his eyes, all I could see there was hope. Hope and utter joy. As I looked in his eyes, I knew he was ready to meet the Lord. And all doubts I might have had about heaven flew out the window. God was taking him home.

I don't know how else to describe what happened in that room. It was natural, yet supernatural. It was horrific, yet beautiful. It was death, yet it was life. I've no doubt at all that he is with the Father now. He doesn't have any health problems; he doesn't have any pain. He is purely joyful and purely loved.

What love the Father has for us, that he gives us such a gift as that! We don't deserve it, yet he has given it freely. He has given his own Son to die such a horrible death to atone for our sins. And He has the ultimate victory! He defeated death to give us life! I can't even fathom that kind of love. Like the song says, His is an amazing love.



God, thank you for what you have given us. Thank you for taking my grandfather by the hand and taking him into your presence. I rejoice for him, and I rejoice that you have given me that same gift. I excitedly await the day when you take my hand and I can dwell with you forever. Until that day comes, I praise you for every day you have given me on this earth. I pray that I can tell all that I can of the wonderful love you have, and of the amazing gift you have given. I pray that I may do your will in all things, and that I learn to love like you love.


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Sitting before church

It's kinda nice that nobody actually reads this. I can freely put my thoughts down.

So this morning when I picked Kaylee up at church, Bethany right away asked for her. I know this is a small thing, but it really bothers me. It's like she's shutting me out if her life so completely that she doesn't even want me around her daughter. It's just so... well I don't really know how to describe it. I moved all the way out here mostly because I wanted to be with her. And now she shuns me. This all started when I was getting down because I had no job for 3 months, I couldn't take her out on dates because I couldn't afford it. And to add to that, she won't let me touch her. I don't mean sexually, I mean at all. I can't hold her in my arms, I can't run my hands through her beautiful hair, she never wants me to hug her, and I can't even hold her hand. I don't understand why, but ever since I came here, she's been like that. It's like she's deliberately puuting up barriers between us so we can't grow closer. Anyway, she saw my depression and how I was getting sick a lot, and thought I was clinically depressed and wouldn't admit it. So she decided that being in a relationship with me was too stressful and she asked to "take a break" from our relationship. So now the only person I'm real close to who lives anywhere close to me has cast me aside. I would have thought that instead of breaking up, she would want to help me through anything I might be going through. That's precisely what I have tried to do. When she had her baby out of wedlock, I tried to be there for her as much as I could. When she had to find somewhere to live on her own, I helped her move all of her things into her new place. When her grandmother died, I tried to comfort her as best I could. But now, perhaps when I need her help the most, she runs away. I just don't understand. Unless she really doesn't want me. Unless she really doesn't love me. Just now, thinking of how I would say goodbye is killing me. What would I tell Kaylee? "I'm glad I got to know you. Take care of your mother for me. Goodbye Kaylee." Just thinking of that makes my heart stop. I really have to stop this post now. I have to go into church in a minute, and I don't want anyone to see me like this.


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She raised some good points today. Maybe I am, I don't know. But the prospect of going back on meds doesn't thrill me at all. But she's right, maybe I need to talk to someone about it. I don't think I feel it that much, but it might explain a few things. It might explain my staying up quite late, my eating habits, and my fatigue. I just don't want to accept it. I am a person who doesn't believe that medicine is the answer for everything. If possible, I try to avoid it. For thousands of years, we have done just fine without these kinds of medications. But maybe it's true that the chemistry of this day and age has changed so much that these medications are necessary for some people. And why would I fight that? Because I don't want to be dependant on any medicine for the rest of my life! It implies that I'm not strong enough to deal with life on my own, and that I need a crutch to get through. I hate that thought. It crushes my already severely diminished self-confidence. Maybe that's a sign right there that I do need help. I know I don't believe in myself. Maybe that's at the heart of the matter. My greatest fear is that I'll screw up so badly that my family and ones I love won't want me at all. Why am I so worried that I'll screw up that badly? I don't know. I just have the nagging feeling that I will. Maybe that's a sign of depression, or anxiety disorder or something like that. I really don't know. It seems like I say those three words a lot: I don't know. Maybe she's right. Maybe I really do need to talk to someone about it. ...why should that idea scare me as much as it does? Shouldn't that thought be a comfort, that now that I seek help I'll actually start to be normal again? If so, why does that not really comfort me? Well, whatever the case, I really should talk to someone about this. Someone I can trust.



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What do you do when you're hungry, but dread the next time something goes down your throat?

What do you do when you're too tired to stay awake, yet you can't fall asleep?

These questions and more are driving me up the wall right now. I have strep throat, and it is very very annoying. I can't sleep, can't eat, and anytime I drink anything, it is extremely painful. Add to that, I don't think the pills that the doctor gave me are actually going down my throat.

Ugh, I just wish I could sleep and forget all of this!

Another day, another dollar ... not.

So I think this might be one of my complaining sessions again. It's a good thing nobody actually reads this blog then. But just now, thinking about writing all my woes, what difference would it really make if I did? Nobody really cares about the woes of a 23-year-old unemployed freeloader. I hate that word, but that's what I feel I have become. Whatever.

So instead I think I'll write about something else. I don't yet know what that is, but maybe something will come to me. I just noticed that when I type, I tend to really bang on the keyboard. My fingers just naturally just push hard on the keys, I don't know why. Maybe that's the way my mom types, and it's just hereditary. My mom does tend to type really fast, and if I know what I'm going to write, I can usually type pretty fast as well now. It never used to be like that when I was in school. I was a really slow typer in middle school, all the way through high school. I would always ask for my mom's help for typing something up. I would dictate and she would type it down, offering suggestions when my word choice needed help or something else like that. But now I can pretty much do it all by myself, which is convenient considering I'm on my own now.

I read a book today that I really liked. It was called "The Renovation" by, well, I can't remember who the author's name was. But it was a really good story about forgiveness, and finding God. It was also kind of a romance story, but more of a subtle romance. I'm kind of a sap when it comes to romance stories, as long as they have real love in them -- not that cheap imitation love that our society gives out in great supply.

Well, look at this, I've run out of things to say already. Oh wait! I just thought of something else.

A good friend from Tulsa contacted me on Facebook today. I haven't heard from him in a while, so it was quite nice. As you might know (or as you'll find out soon enough) I tend to be quite long-winded when it comes to my writing. So of course I sent him a big thing about everything that is going on in my life right now. Oh well, he knows how long winded I can be when I type. Funny thing is, I think I tend to be the opposite in person. I don't say all that much when I actually talk to people. Most of the time I'm either listening or trying to think of the right thing to say in the silences.

Okay, going in a totally different direction now. I seem to be very unsure of a great many things these days. I'm not sure if I'll be able to go to college this year; I'm not sure if going to college right now is what I really want to do, or if it's just what i've been pressured to think that's what I want to do. Same with my career choice. I'm not very sure that being a music teacher, or any teacher for that matter, is really what I want to do, or if it's just something my parents did so I should do it too. And my confidence is pretty much shot. I haven't got a job, nothing even on the horizon right now. I've been trying for a few months to get a job, but so far nobody wants to hire me. I don't know, maybe it's just the economy and nobody really is hiring much right now. I've seen that a lot in my search for a job. Most places I've been to (the vast majority, actually) are not hiring, but they're "always accepting applications". In other words, "We won't hire you, but since you have all that free time because you're unemployed, go ahead and fill out this time-consuming piece of paper."

Well, I truly am done now. I think I'm going to go to bed or something.

When You're Up Late - Wisdom From the Early Morning Hours

Sometimes when you're up late, the mind starts to shut down before you do. But somerimes i think my mind is wired for night thought. Thus, these little trinkets of thought come through.

If you're allergic to feathers, don't sleep with a down pillow.

Facebook is your enemy at 2 in the morning.

Life is short -- put your music on shuffle.

Gregorian Chant is hilarious when they sing "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

When old people say not to eat food really late, listen to them.

If you get up at 7, don't wait till 4 or 5 to shut your eyes.

If you do have trouble falling asleep, try to listen to some soothing nature sounds. There are many free recordings of rippling creeks, rainstorms, waterfalls, etc. available online.

Late at night is not always the best time to think the important stuff through. Our bodies know when it's time to shut down, and our judgment and thinking are not always the best when our bodies are ready for respite.

When reflecting on your day, try to think of ways you can show love to more people tomorrow.

Love is the universal language. Have you had a conversation with someone today?

Take a moment out of your busy day to reflect on what you have. Thankfulness is the first step towards contentment.

The souls are the only eternal things in this world -- cherish them.

A little cheerful corniness never hurt anybody.

Words like "destiny" and "fate" have new meaning when you know God is real.

From time to time, try listening to some music you wouldn't otherwise. You might actually find you like it.

Well, that's about all the "late-night wisdom" I have for tonight. I hope you all will have a wonderful sleep tonight and wake up refreshed and ready to take on the day.



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